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There
are various incidents in our society when the husband refuses to
allow his wife to visit her parents. What right does a man think he
has over his wife's feelings and duties to stop her from seeing her
parents. Does he, by chance, think that by marrying her he has come
to own her. Does he put her in the same category or the same
relationship to a goat he buys. If so, he is certainly mistaken.
From the Islamic point of view, the relationship between a man and
his wife is one between two human beings of equal status. Each of
them has certain duties, but neither of them can negate the
independent personality of the other.
It is
simply unacceptable from the Islamic point of view that a husband
should consider that the marriage divides his wife's life into two
separate stages and that each stage is completely isolated from the
other. If he tries to impose this situation, then he will have a
wife who is disillusioned, broken-hearted and totally lacking in the
ability to impart to her children the proper values of kindness to
family relations and dutifulness to parents. How could she, when she
herself is denied the right to maintain her relationship with her
parents.
The
fact is that dutifulness to parents is a duty imposed by Allah on
all children, boys and girls, men and women, single or married. This
dutifulness does not stop at any particular stage in anyone's
existence. It extends throughout the parents, and the children's
lives. Being dutiful to one's parents is not considered to have been
completed when they die. Their children are required to continue to
show dutifulness to them by showing respect and kind treatment to
their friends and relatives, supplicating on their behalf, praying
to Allah to have mercy on them, reciting the Holy Quraan and giving
Sadaqah or charitable donations on their behalf, etc. When
parents have such a claim against their children, how is it possible
that a husband prevents his wife from visiting her parents.
If he
does, then he is certainly unjust to her, unless he has a very good
reason for his action that can only be imagined in isolated cases. A
man should consider what his feelings would be like if her
unreasonable husband prevented his sister from seeing their parents.
He should extend to his wife the same treatment he would like to see
extended to his dearest sister.
If
an elderly couple has only daughters and they all are married, and
the couple needs to be looked after, then their daughters should try
their best to look after them. Islam does not accept that such
elderly parents should be abandoned simply because their daughters
are married.
If a
husband threatens his wife with divorce for visiting her parents, he
is unjust to her and to them. Injustice is forbidden in Islam.
Almighty Allah says in a Qudsi Hadith: "My servants, I have
forbidden injustice and have made injustice forbidden to you. Do not
be unjust to one another."
Nor
is it permissible for a Muslim to obey anyone encouraging him to be
unjust to his wife, not even his parents. If your parents insist
that you treat your wife harshly or unjustly, you should realize
that injustice represents disobedience to Almighty Allah. The Holy
Prophet (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam) says: "No creature may be
obeyed in what constitutes disobedience to the Creator."
The best wife is she,
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Who considers
attending her husband as her foremost duty.
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Who never leaves
any requirement of her husband unfulfilled.
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Who appreciates
the merits of her husband and neglects his demerits.
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Who takes pains
in comforting her husband.
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Who does not put
any demand before her husband that is beyond his capacity and
leads a life of contentment.
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Who never looks
at strange and unknown men nor allows them to look at her.
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Who lives in
Pardah and keeps her chastity safe.
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Who safeguards
the wealth, the property and other belongings of her husband
including herself.
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Who proves her
dedication to her husband by sacrificing everything to salvage
her husband from any calamity.
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Who keeps
patience over the atrocities inflicted to her by her husband.
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Who is looked
upon respectfully both in her father's house and in her husband's house.
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Who is humble
and kind to the neighbors and whose humility everyone
appreciates.
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Who carries out
her religious duties with punctuality and fulfills the rights of
the Creator and creatures.
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Who tolerates
with cool mind the bitterness of the members of her husband's
family.
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Who first feeds
the other members of the house and eats herself in the last.
This
is one of the darkest chapters in human history. The conflict
between mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law has been a centuries
old tradition. Almost every house faces this crisis. How surprising
is the matter that the mother brings up her son with utmost care and
love. She longs for her son to grow up soon and when the son reaches
his youth, she as the mother sets out to choose a suitable bride for
her son. In the process of matchmaking she insists on the most
beautiful girls of the world to be her daughter-in-law.
But
when that most beautiful girl leaves her father's house and enters
her new house, the mother of her husband suddenly appears as an
avowed enemy. The reason of this conflict is purely a psychological
one. The mother, who has been reigning over this house for the last
so many years, suddenly finds that a new woman has come to share not
only the monopolistic authority of this house but also the love and
affection of her son. The newcomer woman not only diverts the
attention of her father-in- law but also the attention of other male
members of the house. The son also gets more involved in her
newly-wed lady than his mother. He does not call her mother for
attending his requirements. The father-in-law also gets immense
pleasure to call his daughter-in-law for his needs. This becomes
unbearable for the old lady and she develops a feeling of jealousy
against the new comer. Gradually, this feeling takes the shape of
severe hatred. The newcomer lady is quite young and enthusiastic in
her approach to life. She wants to bring about some innovation in
the old style of the house. The mother cannot tolerate this as she
thinks that the house still belongs to her. She is not prepared for
being neglected by the members of the family. Thus, starts a cold
war between the old lady and the new lady. Slowly and quite
unknowingly the entire house gets involved in this conflict.
The
only way to end this conflict is that all the parties of this
conflict - the mother, her son and the daughter-in-law should
appreciate their respective rights and duties.
Every
mother-in-law should treat her daughter-in-law as her own daughter.
If the daughter-in-law, due to her inexperience, commits a mistake,
she should not be rebuked or admonished. Rather, the mother-in-law
should gently teach her the correct way of doing things. The old
mistress of the house should always bear in mind that this new lady
has come to this house by leaving her parents and relatives and
friends. She is facing a new environment here with so many strange
faces around. The old lady should come forward and become a useful
companion of the new comer. She should accept the wife of her son
as her own daughter. Once this relationship develops between the two
ladies, the house will surely turn into a heaven on earth.
Every
daughter-in-law should treat her mother-in-law as her own mother.
She should pay due respect to her, obey her commands and attend to
her needs. If the old mistress of the house rebukes her on some
matters, she should not answer back. Similarly, she should treat her
father-in-law as her own father and look after his requirements.
During the lifetime of her husband's parents, she should never think
of dividing the family by raising the demand of a separate house for
herself and her husband. She should be kind to other ladies in her
husband's family such as the wives of her husband's elder and
younger brothers. She should be friendly with the sisters of her
husband.
The
son should treat his bride with love and kindness. But at the same
time, he should not neglect his parents. He should show the same
vigor in loving his parents as was before his marriage. He should
not make his mother feel that her authority has been minimized
following the arrival of a new lady member. He should carry out all
transactions through his mother. He should also instruct his bride
not to undertake any work without the permission of his parents.
This would give the mother a confidence that she is still the
mistress of the house and both the son and the daughter-in-law have
allegiance to her authority.
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